The truth is, most women are sexually starving, even if they are having frequent sex. With an abundance of sex toys, sexual partners and unlimited sex advice you’d assume that women would be humping like rabbits and orgasming left and right. Unfortunately most women’s sex lives are their greatest sources of disappointment.
The sad reality is that most people are having mediocre, conventional sex, which isn’t even scratching the surface of their pleasure potential. Even consistent orgasms, whether solo or with a partner, do not guarantee long-term sexual satisfaction in relationships.
WHAT IS CONVENTIONAL SEX?
Most modern love making is obsessed with orgasm.
Concentrated on the most efficient and fastest orgasmic release, both partners work hard to reach this goal. The ability to make your partner orgasm is considered the ultimate proof of adequacy as a great lover.
At the beginning of any sexual relationship, novelty and excitement take over the pleasure experience. New partner, new body, new experiences all fuel initial sexual satisfaction. However, once the newness fizzles out, boredom and lack of desire begin to appear.
In an attempt to maintain the heat of novelty sex, partners begin to seek out intense sexual stimulations such as new sexual partners, pornography and high-intensity sex toys. Very often, even these added bonuses do not protect the fading of sexual desire in a couple.
Often, once the novelty sex wanes, so does the female libido. Unaware of other options, most women either stay having conventional sex as a form of settling for “as good as it gets” or give up on sex all together. Most assume that they are broken somehow.
We are living in a culture of severely under-fucked and unloved women. Women living without the ambiance of sensual and sexual love wilt and dry up like flowers, often experiencing depression, despair and stress.
On a personal and global level, this is a WORLD disaster.
YOU ARE HAVING CONVENTIONAL SEX IF…?
1.The only goal of sex is orgasm and everything partners do during lovemaking is to get there faster.
2. Good sex is judged based on whether either partner orgasms. Inability to orgasm leads to feeling of inadequacy and failure
3. One/both partners are not focused on the present moment, rather concentrating on the future, when orgasm is supposed to happen
4. Any pleasure in the body is used as a step to get closer to orgasm
5. In an attempt to orgasm, movements become faster, harder, more aggressive and more unconscious
6. There is a sense of tension in the body especially the face, jaw and genitals. The tension is created as a way of not loosing ‘the orgasm buildup’
7. Sex follows a typical predictable “route” and barely sways off to different directions (ex. kissing > neck kissing > chest & belly licking > oral sex > penetration > orgasm)
8. One/both partners concentrate primarily on each other’s genitals, with an occasional stroke/lick of the rest of the body
9. Lovers’ jaw/hands get tired while giving oral sex
10. One/both partners rub each other’s genitals too hard and too fast. The genitals begin to feel numb
11. One/both partners’ minds wander off into naughty fantasies or mundane thing such as groceries/work during sex
12. One/both partners are bombarded with distracting insecure thoughts about their body image, their taste/smell and sexual performance
13. When one partner is doing something wrong, the other is too scared to give feedback in fear of hurting them
14. One/both partners find themselves bored during sex or worried that the other is bored
15. One/both partners find themselves easily distracted or annoyed by small things such as wrong playlist, street or television noise
16. One/both partners take full responsibility for the other’s arousal/orgasm. If neither happens, they feel guilty and not good enough
17. One/both partners fear being “high maintenance” in bed, often giving up receiving pleasure
18. One/both partners feel pressure to do certain sexual acts which they do not enjoy (or which physically hurt them) in order to please their partner
19. One/both partners mimic porn-style sex
20. The woman is passive during love-making
21. The man feels the pressure to “do all the work”
22. Foreplay feels like a chore
23. Sex is always rushed and finishes before the woman’s body is fully aroused
24. Woman feels the pressure to finish foreplay and move onto penetration - “the real sex”
25. There is a tremendous difficulty and guilt in reaching orgasm for the woman
26. The woman is ONLY experiencing clitoral orgasms, never other orgasms such as G-spot, breasts or cervical
27. The woman frequently requires a vibrator in order to orgasm
28. While the male partner seems engulfed in his pleasure, the woman feels left behind, invisible and used
29. The woman does not speak up if sex hurts her, enduring it silently or faking satisfaction
30. Sex involves vaginal penetration every single time
31. The woman is penetrated before her vagina is fully aroused
32. Penetration is usually hard-core, intense and fast
33. Penetration does not feel pleasurable for the woman. She is feeling tension, dryness and even mild pain
34. The vagina isn’t wet enough and there is need for constant lube re-application
35. The woman’s vagina is sore or painfully swollen after sex
36. The man is feeling anxious about his erection and the need to keep it stimulated. If he is unable to sustain it, he feels like a failure
37. The man is struggling with premature ejaculation
38. One/both partners have sex for the sake of ‘getting laid’. There is no real interest nor passion towards their partner
39. There is lack of chemistry/love between lovers
40. There is lack of flow between lovers (ex. unable to find effortless flow when kissing)
41. Sex happens exclusively under a casual pretence where deeper feelings aren’t allowed. Sexual experience is jailed in rules
42. One of the partners isn’t satisfied with “friends with benefits sex”, craving more connection
43. Any non-sexy emotions are suppressed for fear of ruining the mood
44. One/both partners are having sex out of obligation
45. One/both partners are having sex even though they are not enjoying it
46. One/both partners are “performing” an ideal image of a sexy person in order to impress the other (ex. acting like a porn star)
47. Neither partners look each other in the eye during love making, keeping their eyes closed most of the time
48. One/both partners fake orgasm/pleasure
49. One/both partners feel unsatisfied/empty/depleted after sex
50. One/both partners masturbate in secret in order to orgasm after sex
51. Sex is lacking in tenderness, softness and love
52. Sex is exclusively rough, wild and fast
53. Sex stops once one of the partners orgasms (usually the man)
54. There is lack of intimacy/sensuality after sex such as cuddling.
One/both partners are expected to go home as soon as its over
55. There is a sense of disgust or sudden lack of interest in the partner after sex
56. One/both partners find themselves constantly fantasising about someone else
57. There is a sense of mistrust and annoyance between partners
58. One/both partners have sex as a form of manipulation (ex. a way to keep the other interested)
59. Sex lacks in genuine playfulness and lightheartedness
60. Alcohol/drugs are a constant presence
61. Sex happens only in the dark
62. One/both partners find themselves worried about unwanted pregnancy or STD’s during love making
63. One/both partners are not well cleaned/groomed which makes the experience unpleasant for the other
64. One/both partners feel too ashamed to let go and be their real selves
65. One/both partners feel too ashamed to share their kinks/desires
66. One/both partners shame each other for their sexual “weirdness” or preferences
67. One/both partners are repressing their sexual orientation, having sex based on what culture deems appropriate
68. One/both partners feel that there is more to their sexual potential yet too afraid to speak up about their dissatisfaction in the bedroom
69. One/both partners feel shame for wanting a better sex life
70. One/both partners feel unworthy of amazing sex
Do you have more examples of conventional sex? Add yours in the comments below!!!
HOW DOES CONVENTIONAL SEX AFFECT WOMEN?
Great sex is MORE than orgasm and rubbing onto a naked partner’s body. Great sex is about pleasure, connection, intimacy, transcendence, compatibility, self expression and play. Unfortunately, conventional sex lacks in sensuality, abundance of time and patience.
Conventional sex is fast-food sex. It fills up short-term cravings yet leaves you starving in the long run.
Years of porn-like emotionless conventional sex is kind of like years of eating fast-food. One numbs the taste buds, the other the body. When all you know about sex is the “hot lusty sex” which you see in the media, you begin to question your ability as a lover and blame yourself for lacking interest in it.
Conventional sex is not a sustainable form of love making and is one of the main reasons why couples eventually stop having sex. It is especially damaging to the female body and sexual psyche.
Lack of knowledge of how the female body operates, lack of emotional connection and excessive stimulation of the genitals leaves a woman feeling used and unloved. The body begins to loose its capacity to feel. Eventually, women require harder, faster and more intense stimulation like vibrators in order to feel pleasure. This hard stimulation leads to further insensitivity in the body/mind and a vicious cycle unfolds. The body armours and closes down further. That’s when a woman’s numbness, dryness, inability to orgasm and low libido begin to appear.
Hard-core and impatient thrusting, lack of foreplay, unconscious penetration, orgasm expectations and obligation to have sex turn a woman off sex over time.
The idea that women do not desire sex as much as men do is a sad myth. Women simply aren’t having the amazing sex worth craving. When a woman is being made love to the way her body and heart have been designed for, she blossoms as a highly aroused happy woman in pleasure.
It is time to step out of conventional sex into the world of conscious pleasurable sex!
Ps. If you enjoyed this piece, you’ll likely also love reading:
Anal Sex: Beginner’s Guide to Pleasure
About the authors:
Elena is the co-founder of Onna Lifestyle and creator of the famous sexuality blog The Yoni Empire. She is a slow sex educator and writer, lover of all things pleasure-related. She writes shamelessly about female sexuality and eroticism, supporting women with overcoming sexual triggers, insecurities and trauma. She is on a mission to nourish women, one orgasm at a time - connecting heart, body and mind. Follow her at @the_yoni_empire & @onna_lifestyle.