Understanding male sexuality with Cam Fraser
Cam Fraser is a Certified Professional Sex Coach, Certified Sexologist, Registered Counselor, and Registered Tantric Yoga Teacher. His work integrates scientifically validated, medically accurate information about sexual health, with sacred sexuality teachings from the mystery traditions. As a coach, he helps men go beyond surface-level sex and into full-bodied, self-expressed, pleasure-oriented sexual experiences free of anxiety or shame. We had the chance to ask him a couple of questions about the mani things men struggle with, what women should know about male sexuality, and more.
Read it and pass it on to the MEN in your life - they deserve to read this too!
CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY? HOW AND WHY DID YOU START WITH COACHING AND WHAT INSPIRED YOU?
My own personal experiences overcoming sexual function issues and insecurity really inspired me to become a sex coach. In my late teens and early twenties, I watched a lot of porn, drank a lot of alcohol, and had lots of bad sex. I was a student athlete at a college in America and was preoccupied with fitting in with the young men around me. This meant engaging in "locker room talk," focusing on quantity over quality with regards to sexual encounters, and just generally being a stereotypically shitty dude. During this time of my life, my mental health wasn't very good, hence the escapism through drinking and sex. Serendipitously, I actually seriously injured my spine. I fractured my lower back and needed to do clinical rehabilitation. It was this physical rehab that changed my life. I was introduced to pilates and yoga, and then massage and meditation, and then breathwork and the broader concepts of spirituality. For the first time in my life, I started slowing down and listening to my body. I really felt how much tension, tightness, contraction, and constriction there was in my body. I remember times - halfway through a pilates class, for example - that I would suddenly start crying or feel a surge of rage. At the time, I didn't understand what was happening. Now, I know that I was accessing and releasing stored trauma in my body by doing somatic practices. So, I sought out a counsellor, who referred me to a psychologist, and I began doing the psychological work. I started processing my trauma, understanding my narratives, and re-writing my scripts around masculinity and sexuality. Fortunately, I did all this in my early twenties and, as I said, my life changed. I was more self-assured and didn't feel the need to prove myself to my male friends by performing my masculinity around them. I was more comfortable in my own skin and felt vulnerable enough to ask my sexual partners about their pleasure as well as tell them about mine. I drank less and started having better sex. I distanced myself from people I had previously considered friends and spoke up when they said something derogatory or discriminatory in the locker room and I sought out new friends who I resonated with and who would support my own personal development. I was always interested in sex and sexuality, so I started talking openly about it and reading more books on these topics. As I did this, people began asking me questions about sex and pleasure. This helped me realize that sex education and coaching is something I could do as a career. I went to a university in Australia to study sexology at a post-graduate level and began working as a counsellor. Eventually, I transitioned to sex coaching because it allowed me to draw on the other modalities that I was really passionate about, such as yoga and massage. Today, I try and talk about the things that I wish I'd heard 10 years ago when I was going through that aforementioned time in my life. I speak to my younger self. This seems to resonate with a lot of men and it keeps me inspired to continue doing this work.
WHAT DO YOU LOVE THE MOST ABOUT WHAT YOU DO?
The thing I love most about my work as a sex coach is normalizing people's experience of their sexuality and seeing the relief, openness, and celebration of their sexual expression. A lot of people reach out to me with concerns that they're not normal or that you shouldn't like the thing that they like. Most of the time, what they like is totally fine, harmless and also quite common. When they hear this, there is this sense of shame and guilt that is released as well as an easing into their body as they begin to accept themselves. It is beautiful to witness.
HOW IS COACHING MEN DIFFERENT FROM COACHING WOMEN. HOW DO THEIR NEEDS DIFFER?
I don't coach women so I cannot speak into their needs specifically but what I have observed in my work with men is that many men feel the need to conform to a certain ideal of masculinity. I would assume that many women feel something similar with regards to an ideal of femininity. The men I work with often need to learn how to adequately and appropriately access and express their emotions, something which I believe is not encouraged of men in our society.
CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PROBLEMS MEN USUALLY STRUGGLE WITH WHEN THEY SEEK YOUR HELP?
I receive a lot messages from men about sexual function concerns, such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, delayed orgasm, and low libido. However, when I scratch at the surface of these physical issues, there are typically psychological roots. Many of the men I work with have certain beliefs about sex that are very limiting, such as "real sex" is a penis in a vagina, men should always be ready to have sex, and if his penis isn't erect it means he isn't turned on. I will address men's physical issues and function concerns as well as working with them on expanding their understanding of sex, sexuality, masculinity, and pleasure.
WHAT IS THE MOST COMMON CONCERN?
The most common concern is something that usually contributes to all other concerns and that is a feeling of inadequacy. A sense of not feeling good enough or, more accurately, not being "man enough." It is a self-worth problem and it manifests in a number of ways. One man may be concerned that his penis is too small and he isn't going to satisfy his lover, thus making him feel like less of a man. Another man may be concerned that he isn't lasting long enough during sex, thus making him feel like less of a man. Yet another man may be concerned that his partner doesn't want to have sex as much as he does, thus making him feel like less of a man. It is this worry of not being "man enough" that I find to be at the root of a lot of sexual concerns.
YOUR THOUGHTS ON ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?
I have a lot of thoughts on erectile dysfunction. To be concise, I believe that the term "erectile dysfunction" is overused and what many men are experiencing is actually "erectile disappointment." This is a term I first heard from sex therapist Chris Donaghue. As a society, we have placed a lot of hefty expectations on penises which are perpetuated by pornography and the sexual performance enhancement industry, including medication like Viagra. So, we expect penises to get erect at the flick of a switch and remain erect for hours on end. But this isn't how penises work. It is natural and normal for erection firmness to fluctuate over the duration of a sexual encounter. Erectile dysfunction is a clinical diagnosis and many of the men that label themselves with erectile dysfunction do not actually meet the criteria for a clinical diagnosis. Instead, they're disappointed with the erection they had or didn't have. This is about managing expectations, working through shame, and expanding your understanding of male bodies as well as what sex can look like. Penises aren't dildos.
NO.1 THING WOMEN OR ANYONE WHO LOVES MEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MALE SEXUAL HEALTH
WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE FOR MEN WHO STRUGGLE WITH PREMATURE EJACULATION?
Here is some practical advice if you're ejaculating before you want to; (1) Spend longer times in heightened states of arousal when masturbating. Get familiar with what it feel like to be close to cumming. This is called edging or surfing. (2) Breathe into your diaphragm instead of breathing into your chest. Diaphragmatic breathing engages your parasympathetic nervous system, which relaxes you. When you're relaxed, you won't ejaculate as quick. (3) When you're close to cumming, change to a new sex position. There is no shame in taking a moment to cool yourself down as you change positions. Maybe change to a position that is less stimulating for you so it doesn't push you over the edge. (4) Create more safety and comfort with your partner. Many guys finish quickly because they're engaging their sympathetic nervous system, which triggers ejaculation. Feeling safe and comfortable with your partner can lessen the urge to cum. (5) Don't just rely on your dick to satisfy your partner. Incorporate vibrators, cock rings, dildos and other sex toys. If you're using a toy and not stimulating your dick, then you don't need to worry about your dick being overstimulated and cumming. (6) Practice Kegel and reverse Kegel exercises. Kegels help strengthen your pelvic muscles. Reverse Kegels help relax your pelvic muscles. Strong and relaxed. Do these during sex to either internally squeeze or relax and stop yourself cumming. (7) Don't rush to penetration. Literally just take longer before you have penis-in-vagina sex. Do other sexual activities together beforehand, like oral, fingering, massage, heaving petting, making out. Build the arousal and anticipation. (8) Learn about other areas of your body where you experience pleasure. You're not just your dick, you're actually one huge dick. You can experience pleasure all over your body. Incorporate the rest of your body into sex so you stimulate those areas instead of your dick. (9) Thrust slow and shallow. Long, fast, and deep thrusts during penetrative sex can create a lot of stimulation for your dick. Keeping it slow and shallow helps lessen stimulation for you. (10) Be in control for the first few minutes. What I mean by this is you can dictate the speed and positions during the first few minutes to make sure that you're finding your rhythm and settling into your body without being overstimulated. As you feel more comfortable and in control, you can let go of the reigns.
WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE MEN WHO HAVE DIFFICULTIES ORGASMING DURING PENETRATION AND CAN ONLY ORGASM BY THEIR OWN HAND?
If you're having difficulty ejaculating with a partner but are able to ejaculate using your hand, I would suggest expanding the way that you masturbate. Maybe you've be masturbating in one particular way for the last however many years of your life. You've found a stroke that works for you and you've stuck with it. Many men do this. Generally, these men will use their hand to masturbate in a way that is unable to be replicated by a vagina. These men will typically squeeze their penis quite firmly during masturbation, without any lubrication, and use a lot of up-and-down, friction-based stimulation to get themselves to ejaculation. Over the years, they've conditioned themselves to experience pleasure this way and thus find it difficult to ejaculate with a partner because a vagina doesn't offer the same type of stimulation. If this resonates, I would suggest investing in a masturbation sleeve, which is an artificial vagina (or mouth, or anus, or nondescript orifice), and some lube, and using these when your masturbate to re-condition your body to experience pleasure in ways that are similar to penetrative sex.
WE ARE A PLEASURE PRODUCTS COMPANY SO WE SEE A LOT OF MEN BUYING PRODUCTS FOR THEIR PARTNERS, BUT WE STILL HEAR FROM A LOT OF WOMEN, THAT THEIR MAN SEES SEX TOYS AS A THREAT. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR ADVICE TO THESE WOMEN AS TO HOW TO INTRODUCE TOYS WITHOUT MAKING THEIR PARTNER FEEL THREATENED OR SHAMED?
The first thing I would suggest is have a conversation about sex toys with your partner. A lot of men think that the only thing they bring to a sexual encounter is their penis. It can be helpful for him to hear from you that he isn't just his penis and that the reason you want to have sex with him is because of all the other things he brings to the experience, like his presence, touch, passion, fingers, tongue, body, desire, moans, dirty talk, and whatever else it is that he has which a sex toy doesn't. Next, I'd suggest begin introducing a small sex toy, like a bullet vibrator or even a couples vibrator. These smaller toys can be more approachable and less intimidating for him. You might like to try letting him be the one who controls the vibrator, with a little bit of guidance from you. That way he still gets the sense that he is the one giving you pleasure, which is something a lot of men can get hung up on. From there you can start to scale things up and introduce more toys.
WHAT WOULD BE YOUR NUMBER ONE ADVICE FOR COUPLES WITH MISMATCHED LIBIDOS?
A strategy I use when working with couples who have mismatched libidos is the erotic menu. Consider when you and your partner are hungry so you go out to eat a meal together. You choose from a menu what it is that you want to eat. Something that will satisfy for hunger. This is analagous to when you and your partner are horny. You choose a "meal" from your erotic menu that you want to "eat." Something that will satisfy your horniness. For many heterosexual couples, there is only one thing on their erotic menu: penetrative sex. This might be a great "meal." It might even be your favourite "meal." But if it is the only "meal" on your erotic menu then you have no other option but to choose it when you feel "hungry." What if you are really in the mood for this "meal" but your partner isn't? What if you've already had this "meal" a few times this week and you're a little bored of it? What if you're really "hungry" but your partner isn't? What if this "meal" looks great but you're not actually that "hungry" and don't think you could "eat" all of it? All of these questions, when applied to sex, create problems for couples because the only option they have to meet their sexual needs, no matter how large or small, is penetrative sex. So, adding more items to your erotic menu and expanding the range of things that you and your partner can do together sexually is one strategy for making sure there are various ways for meeting both of your sexual needs.
BEST TIP ON DEEPENING INTIMACY BETWEEN A COUPLE? ANY SIMPLE PRACTICES YOU WOULD RECOMMEND?
I love encouraging my clients to play the Yes/No/Maybe game with their partners because it facilitates some really wonderful and vulnerable conversations about sex, pleasure, boundaries, fantasies, and limitations. The game is simple enough and you can Google it. It is just a PDF list of sexual activities, from nipple pinching to group sex and everything in between. You and your partner sit down with a cup of tea or a glass of wine and go through the list together, indicating whether you're a "yes," or a "no," or a "maybe" to each activity. You then compare your answers. It is a great way of learning about each other's sexual desires without having to ask them outright, which can be a hard thing to do. The game bears the burden of the conversation and makes it a little more playful for the two of you. You can match up all your "yes" answers with each other and see which ones you haven't done together, then make a plan to try that thing next time you have sex.
IF YOU COULD GIVE JUST ONE PIECE OF ADVICE TO WOMEN ON SEX AND DESIRE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
My one piece of advice that I give to anybody who'll listen is to lean in to your curiosity. Be curious about your own body, your pleasure, your edges, your desires. Be curious about your partner's body, their pleasure, their edges, their desires. Pull at the threads of your curiosity and see where it takes you. I truly believe that curiosity is the cornerstone for a long, fulfilling sex life both alone and with a partner.
WHAT ARE SOME THINGS THAT MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT YOU?
I was ordained as a Buddhist monk of the Theravāda tradition at Wat Sriboonruang, a northern Thai monastery in Fang, Chiang Mai.
THREE FAVOURITE BOOKS/RESOURCES ABOUT SEX/INTIMACY?
I highly recommend; (1) The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy and Arousal, an educational video series by sex and relationship therapist Cyndi Darnell. (2) "Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality" by Diana Richardson. (3) "The New Male Sexuality: The Truth about Men, Sex, and Pleasure" by Bernie Zilbergeld.
CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT THE WORKSHOPS YOU OFFER AND WHO THEY ARE FOR?
At the moment, I have two 6-week, self-paced online courses available. One for men who have sex with women and one for women who have sex with men. My course for men is titled Outperform a Pornstar and begins with the premise that the porn many men are watching and aspiring to emulate does not actually depict very pleasurable sex. I explain that if they could learn how to separeate orgasm and ejaculation, have multiple orgasms, share openly and honestly with their partner, and connect deeply and intimately with their partner, they would be outperforming any performer they see on screen. It flips the script on the performance model of sex. My course for women is titled Man Myths: Understanding Male Sexuality and is all about busting preconceived ideas about what men want sexually. It also dives deep into the reasons why men behave the way they do and elucidates why they have certain attitudes about sex. I also offer a lot of practical advice for women who would like their partner to open up more and be more invested in their sex life.
