Internationally recognised, award-winning sexologist and best selling author (Red Hot Touch), Jaiya is the creator of the Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ and the Erotic Blueprint™ Quiz. Through more than two decades of client observation and clinical research she discovered a map of arousal that reveals your specific erotic language of arousal, a revolutionary framework to create deeper connection and sexual satisfaction. We’ve had the pleasure of chatting with her about her life-changing work, how couples miscommunicate sexually, how to expand one’s Erotic Language, Jaiya’s pleasure practices and more!
How did you come about discovering/creating the Erotic Blueprints idea?
For over 20 years I’ve been coaching clients around sexual health and pleasure. In my one-on-one work, I began to notice repeating patterns of arousal and turn on. One style of touch or erotic psychological play would instantly light one person up, but for someone else those same techniques killed arousal.
I broke these up into 5 Erotic Blueprint™ Types.
I began testing these patterns of Turn On and Turn Off and I realised that when I found the set of tools that worked for a person’s turn on, I had instant access to solving many of their perceived problems.
I had clients who had never connected to their own sexual pleasure open up for the first time, because finally someone was speaking to their particular Erotic Blueprint Type.
I had clients in so called “sexually incompatible” relationships discover that they weren’t sexually incompatible at all. They were simply using the wrong strategy, the wrong erotic language to create sexual connection and turn on in their partner.
In many cases there was a radical and very rapid shift from sexless and dissatisfying relationship to one filled with frequent and fulfilling sex.
Do you notice any behaviour patterns among genders/cultures when it comes to Erotic Blueprints?
We’ve had over 100,000 people take our Erotic Blueprint Quiz, which assess your Erotic Type. We find a small correlation between gender and Blueprint Type. Vulva bodied people can tend to be more the Energetic or Sensual Types and Penis bodied people can fall into the Sexual Type. But once we go deeper with an individual and they start doing one of our courses or work with one of our coaches one-on-one, these gender roles tend to break down.
Culture has a lot to do with how someone identifies their sexuality. I see penis bodied people often putting on the mask of The Sexual Blueprint Type, but underneath the mask we see they may be Energetic or Sensual - perhaps Kinky. Vulva bodied people get stereotyped as Sensual and having been shamed around their sexual desires, they buried their voracious desire long ago, because they were called a “slut” or inherited the cultural beliefs that women are not sexual and sexual desire is bad or dirty.
Part of our work is moving people out of the shadows of their own sexuality and unleashing the true Erotic Personas that have been hidden or buried due to shame or trauma.
Tell us more about your Online Course and how it can help individuals & couples in the bedroom.
We work with our clients in a number of ways: Online Courses, Live Workshops and One-On-One.
At the root of all our work is the Erotic Blueprint Framework. Our Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course is the foundational course give our students a comprehensive understanding of their own sexuality, learning their own Blueprint Turn Ons and gives them skills to decipher their lover’s Blueprint Turn Ons too.
The Blueprint Course also dives into deeper elements of sexuality than just your Blueprint Type. There are many influences affecting how satisfied one is with their sex life. Knowing which Stage of Sexuality you are in and learning about the 4 Blocks or Pathways to Sexual Health a Pleasure are all vital pieces of the sexuality puzzle.
Note: If you already took the BluePrint Quiz, then all the information about the course is in your inbox already!
At its core, the Blueprint Course gives you empowering tools, practices and language to articulate your desires and get them fed and fulfilled. It also creates confidence that you can please any lover, any time.
What are some of the biggest changes you see in individuals/couples after working with you or taking completing the online course?
I talk about Erotic Blueprints like they represent different languages. For instance, Sensual could be the beautiful and poetic French language and Sexual could be American English - straight forward and perhaps a bit brash.
In relationship we’re often speaking to our lover in our own erotic language and expecting them to understand us or to get turned on the way we would.
The light bulb goes on when our students go through the course. They realise that their lover is a different Blueprint than they are and their lover’s language of arousal is simply different. The partners simply need to be willing to learn each other’s language. Once they are honouring each other, miracles can happen.
Individuals in the course also may discover that they didn’t know their own language of arousal. Once they discover who they are as an erotic being, whole worlds of pleasure open up that they didn’t even know existed.
Many people who felt like they were weird or broken, find their tribe and realise they are not alone. They get the language, tools and practices that give them access to sexual satisfaction.
The next step is to learn to speak, feed and heal their Blueprint and expand into the other Blueprints. There is a wonderland of pleasure awaiting the courageous erotic explorer.
Do you feel that some individuals resist expanding their sexuality & why? What to do if you are dating someone like that? How can we “seduce' our partner into taking the course together?
Oh my goodness, yes! There are so many reasons people resist even looking at their sexuality. One of the biggest conscious and unconscious messages prevalent in western societies is the sex is not something to be talked about. Sex is bad, wrong, dirty, only to be done for procreation and inside of a marriage. Even if we intellectually believe sex is beautiful and we should be free to express ourselves sexually, these inherited messages inform who we are erotically.
Other reasons: many people think they’ve got it handled and they don’t have a “problem.” I actually firmly believe that no one is broken or has a “problem” per se. But even though sex is “natural”, making love is an art. Instead of drawing stick figures in the bedroom, why not learn to paint like Monet (right Sensual Types?) or even Picasso (that probably appeals to you Kinky Types) in the bedroom.
And I can’t understate the role that shame and trauma play when it comes to people being shut down around sex. We’ve got to be honest with ourselves about how much we feel unsafe in our sexuality, how our boundaries have been crossed and we’ve said yes when we were a “no”. How often we didn’t even have a choice to say “no” and sexual contact was taken from us.
Sensitivity, empathy and caring curiosity are all ingredients to successfully opening up an honest dialogue about sex.
Enticement and Seduction (and I don’t mean manipulation) are vital skills when inviting your lover to create a mutually orgasmic relationship together.
Getting raw, real and vulnerable with your partner about what it means to you to have a deeply satisfying sex life, letting your lover know what it would provide for you and how much you want them to be deeply fed, fulfilled and turned on in their sex life, are all ways to open the conversation. Letting the partner know, right out of the gate, that they have not done anything wrong and they’re not in trouble, can set the stage for the partner to feel comfortable talking about a challenging subject.
If there is still resistance, stay curious. Keep asking questions about what the partner wants from their relationship. Are they satisfied in their sex life?
It can be very challenging to stay vulnerable when there may be years of resentments, misunderstandings and dissatisfaction built up.
One thing that can help too, is surrounding yourself with a Sex Positive Community where sex is openly discussed in a consensual, healthy and informed container.
This is one of the things I am most proud of in our work. We’ve created a super hot and super safe online community called Erotic Freedom Club, where you get love, empathy and tons of encouragement to be who you really are, without judgement or shame.
Do you believe in sexual incompatibility or can people work through their issues and find sexual bliss together if "they try really hard”?
Sexual Incompatibility is a myth. There are factors at play like hormones and pheromones. There is the romantic limerance period in the beginning of any new relationship where things are new and hot. So there can be something natural and primal to attraction and turn on.
However, if you have love and you want to cultivate irresistible magnetic attraction, one way to do it is to learn each other’s language of arousal. Learn each other’s Erotic Blueprints and learn to speak, feed and heal each other Blueprints.
It takes some focus and it can challenge one’s edges, but truly, what could be more fun that learning how to feel and share more pleasure??
What is your suggestion for couples who love each other deeply yet their sexual preferences/blueprints seem to be completely in opposition? For example a kinky person dating someone who is triggered by bdsm/abuse?
This falls into the category of expanding into other Blueprints. It’s a complex issue and this is why we develop courses like Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough Course, do live workshops and have our monthly membership group (Erotic Freedom Club).
Note: If you already took the BluePrint Quiz, then all the information about the course is in your inbox already!
I train our clients to be Sex Detectives and look around at all aspects of their sexuality: Mental/Emotional, Bio-Energetic, Physical Health and Energetic.
Expanding into areas where there is fear, discomfort or trauma triggers needs to be done with lots of awareness and a keen eye on creating and holding healthy boundaries. Learning how to speak up and how to articulate what you’re experiencing is a must.
I’m doing a lot of “parts” work with myself and our clients these days. Parts work is about listening to all the different voices in our heads, giving them freedom to say what they need, honouring that and integrating the voices so we are connected to our entire selves in every moment of our lives.
I don’t have a quick answer for this question. It is about learning empowering practices and putting them to work in our lives.
What is your advice for individuals who "get stuck" in their Erotic Blueprint. Example a Kinky being bored sexually unless they are having kinky-style sex.
We all have a Primary Blueprint Type. Rarely is anyone 100% one Blueprint Type. We have secondary, tertiary Types that influence our sexuality.
However it is easy to get caught in a rut of one path to turn on. For highly creative sexual Types like the Kinky and Shapeshifters, it can also be easy to get bored or feel like you're limiting your sexuality to please others or have them feel comfortable.
Expansion and Erotic Rewiring are pathways to breaking out of ruts and finding new pathways to pleasure, connection and orgasm.
Note: You can learn it all in the Erotic Breakthrough course! If you already took the quiz, check your Inbox for more details!
Again, this is where learning from a very informed sexuality coach and being part of a healthy erotic community make all the difference in the world. We get coaches and training around our health, our money, our jobs and yet we don’t seek out coaches for our sex lives. Most of us are having sex or want to be having sex. Why not get a coach?
How to seduce an Energetic Blueprint man? Asking for a friend :)))
Anticipation, tease, eye gazing, heart centered language. Oh there is so much to offer you here, but I have to say, to get really valuable insights, you are best served by a deeper dive into Erotic Blueprints and immersing yourself in our course.
What is the worst advice you see/hear given in your trade or area of expertise?
Yikes! There is a lot of bad and even harmful advise given out there. Did you know that sex education in our public school system in the U.S. is not even required to be medically accurate?
It’s bad advice to give someone the wrong tool or technique for a certain Blueprint Type. For instance, I hear all the time that men are told to pour a hot bath with rose petals for their vulva bodied partner. At one point, if my partner Ian had done that for me, I might puke on his shoes. At that time I was primarily a Sexual Type and I didn’t want warm baths, I wanted genital touch and orgasms.
A great sex technique performed on the wrong Blueprint Type is bad advice, always.
Lets get a little more personal. Food which makes you moan with pleasure each time you eat it.
Lavender, Rose, Coconut Oil Dark Chocolate
Best pleasure investment of under 100 USD?
A massage table! First thing that I tell most people to have as part of their sexual treasure trove!
A quote that is currently speaking to your heart?
“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean, in a drop.” Rumi
What is next for Jaiya?
I’m excited about the idea of the journey from our sexual programming and conditioning to who we really are at at the core of our erotic essence. It’s been an obsession of mine for most of my life, this idea of human awakening to Truth, and I’m thrilled to finally be bringing it deeply to my work.
Three favourite books/resources about sexuality?
J: I’m biased, but I think everyone should know their Erotic Blueprint - so one resource is our quiz.
I’d say my second would be Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan, and then getting involved in a Sex Positive community that understands consent and creating healthy boundaries.
If you could create a gigantic billboard, what would you say on it?
You are loved. You are lovable. You are Love.
What/who feels like magic in your life right now?
Everything. Learning to accept all that life brings and all the parts of myself and others exactly as they are. In that space everything is invited in and it all can become orgasmic. Not that we don’t have boundaries, acceptance doesn’t mean agreement… acceptance means that we allow all parts of ourselves, acceptance is a form of unconditional love, which I’ve seen become one of the deepest roads to lasting transformation.
What is the best/useful sex advice YOU ever received?
Something I learned from Esther Perel. You have multiple sexualities, not just one sexuality. To me, this allows the room for my sexuality to change over time and according to life circumstances.
Please share with us one self-care sensual/sexual practice?
Feeding your Erotic Blueprint. The practice that will best suit you will be based upon what Blueprint you are. Currently I’m Energetic/Sensual so I’m loving meditation, combined with a hot bath and cold shower, followed with a self massage using really delicious essential oils.
DISCOVER YOUR EROTIC BLUEPRINT TODAY!
(All information about the Erotic Breakthrough Course will be sent to your inbox!)
About the authors:
Elena and Adela are the founders of Onna Lifestyle and self-proclaimed Pleasure Cheerleaders. They believe that healthy sexuality and sexual self-care are important components of health and overall wellbeing. Their intention is to introduce more beauty and conscious pleasure into every woman's life. Follow them on @onna_lifestyle.