THE SECRET OF GREAT SEX
Are you ever with a lover who doesn’t know what they’re doing, doesn’t know how to touch and pleasure you?
Are they touching you too harshly or too softly; reaching for your genitals too early; and most importantly, not being really present and connected with you? Imagine going to visit someone’s house for the first time.
When you ask them to show you around, they aren’t really sure where each room is, where the light switches are, or where the heating or cooling is. They don’t know how to work the stereo and the oven. They keep stumbling into things. They don’t seem comfortable within their own home.
How would that feel like if you were a visitor in their home?
Now, imagine your body is a house, a mansion, or a temple, if you like.
When you invite someone over, do you know your body-temple well enough to guide others through it?
Do you know how to touch and pleasure yourself in the same way you want to be touched?
What I’m obviously talking about here is masturbation.
This word usually doesn’t have such a good connotation. In particular, women masturbate less than men, and are less likely to admit to doing it.
Ask yourself if you are totally comfortable in touching yourself, and if you’re doing it often?
Masturbation is a basic and common sexual behavior.
Even fetuses in the womb masturbate.
Have you noticed how often babies and kids touch their genitals or rub themselves on pillows, furniture or toys?
What usually happens is that a parent who witnesses a young boy or girl masturbate, either punishes them or reproaches them. Even when the parent doesn’t say anything, their energy changes, and kids are very perceptive to that, so they start believing that they have done something “wrong”.
Adults’ reaction and attitude towards young one’s masturbation habits lays the first foundation of guilt and shame around masturbation and, indirectly, sexuality.
During years of making love, talking and working with women, I’ve noticed a few things:
- Some women have guilt and shame around masturbation, and aren’t comfortable doing it
- Some women don’t really know how to masturbate, or only do it in a very mechanical and superficial way, as a quick fix or a sleeping aid
- Many women are too focused on clitoral stimulation, thus missing out on the vast range of experiences, sensations and orgasmic states which are possible for them
- Some women get addicted to their vibrator, which either cause their genitals to go numb and desensitized, or makes it difficult to experience pleasure with a partner, as no one can produce those kinds of sensations.
What I’m suggesting is that there are so many other reasons to masturbate, so many ways of doing it, and so many benefits to, um, enjoy.
As a sexual coach, masturbation is one of the first practices I suggest a female client to do, whether she is in a relationship or not. For some it’s very challenging at the beginning. It feels mechanical, superficial and alien. But after a few days or, at most, two weeks of daily practice, they start feeling the effects. Some of them manage to become more orgasmic from this practice alone.
So, what are the possible benefits and effects of masturbation?
- Connect with and learn more about your body, genitals, femininity, and sexuality
- Heal yourself from pain and trauma
- Experience different kinds of pleasure and orgasm states
- Discover and awaken more erogenous zones in your body
- Be independent and empowered in your own sexuality. Not needing someone to fix, pleasure, or fulfill you
- Find the inner union of masculine and feminine
- A self empowering, self-affirming action
- Masturbation raises your sexual resonance and thus allows you to attract better lovers
- Learn how to pleasure yourself so you can teach your partner how to better pleasure you
- Use your sexual energy to charge your health, creativity, career, relationship and spiritual practice.
Instead of calling it masturbation, think about it as self-sex or self-pleasure.
The secret of great sex is knowing how to have great sex with yourself!
A few ideas and suggestions for your self-sex practice
- Regard this as a ritual. Prepare yourself and the space accordingly – incense, candles, soft or sensual music, a nice fabric on the bed. Take a hot bath beforehand
- Build up your arousal gradually. Wait a while before touching your genitals
- Make sure you’re not only focusing on your clit, and try not to have a clitoral orgasm, as that might deplete your energy and cause you to stop. Read more about how to turn clitoral stimulation into whole body orgasms.
- Experiment with internal stimulation using your fingers, or a dildo. Aim for this to be the majority of your self-pleasuring experience
- Make sure you aren’t just focusing on your genitals. Touch and arouse your entire body
- Make sure you are breathing fully in and out or your belly
- Explore making sounds. Both of pleasure and of pain, if it arises
- Explore moving your hips back and forth and side to side
- There’s no need to reach an orgasm. Rather, have a spirit of exploration, discovery and curiosity
- If an orgasm occurs, remember it wasn’t the goal anyway, so keep going.
- Try to self-pleasure at least 3 times a week for a minimum of 20 minutes. Once a week try to have an hour long session
- Have sex with yourself in the same way that you would like your partner to have sex with you
- If you have some emotions or resistance coming up, totally go into it. Allow yourself to experience and express it. Keep going and repeat daily, and masturbation will become pleasurable and exciting.
- Even when you are in a relationship, keep having frequent sex with the most important person in the world = yourself
Remember, masturbation practice has many benefits and positive outcomes, but it’s not meant to replace the natural human connection that we crave with another person, on sexual, emotional, mental and spiritual levels.
How has your masturbation experience served you?
What other benefits did you enjoy?
About the Author:
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